Uniform Monitor: Week 5

(Michael Hickey/US Presswire)

Uniform Matchup of the Week: Chiefs at Colts

Let this be a lesson to all those teams who foolishly choose to run the piping on their pants up the sides of their jerseys (like you, Vikings). Today in Indy, the fans are being to the pleasure of simplicity: two teams in the rainbow’s three primary colors, augmented with understated, elegant stripes. At the risk of nitpicking, the Uniform Monitor* encourages Kansas City to replace their shiny red pantaloons with the flat matte finish sported by the likes of Dawson, Podolak and Buchanon.

Best NFL Uniform of the Week:New England Patriots

(Andrew Weber/US Presswire)

It’s always a pleasure to get reacquainted with Pat Patriot, and not just because it spares us a week of looking at the overly-fussy and completely unnecessary Flying Elvis getups. Like most people with two eyes and a good sense of fashion, I’d love to see a full-time return to the glorious red jerseys and white hats, but I also understand the metaphysical conundrum it causes: the Patriots have won three Lombardis in their navy-and-silver eyesores, compared to the zero titles in the more aesthetically pleasing unis worn by Eason, Grogan and the other Patriots who were humiliated in the Super Dome back in Super Bowl XX. The Houston Rockets, the St Louis Rams and the Pittsburgh Penguins serve as a collective cautionary tale to any successful team considering a uniform change — all three teams were in the midst of potential dynasties when the opted to go with a new look. Since those switches, the Rockets haven’t come close to title, the Rams lost to the Pats in Super Bowl XXXVI (in which New England wore the Flying Elvis… see how it comes full circle?), and the Penguins languished for 17 seasons before getting back on top in ’09. Which brings me to…

Best NHL Uniform of the Week: Calgary Flames

On Saturday night, the Penguins and their ugly uniforms paid a visit to the Saddledome in Alberta. Pittsburgh may have won the hockey game, but Calgary gets the award for Best Uniform. After fooling around for years — nay, decades — with black pants and weird striping, the Flames finally did the right thing by returning to their simpler all-red-with-white-and-gold-trim getups. Why, you might call ’em the Chiefs of the NHL. Like I say, full circle.

* If you’re not aware, I aspire to one day become the official Uniform Monitor for all sports. In the meantime, I work gratis for two reasons: 1. I have a deep passion for great uniforms, and 2. I have an equally strong distaste for some of the visual atrocities imposed on our eyeballs by various teams across the sports landscape (I’m talking about you, Jacksonville Jaguars, Seattle Seahawks, Oregon Ducks, Oklahoma City Thunder, Anaheim Ducks, et al).

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