Uniform Monitor: Week 6

(Associated Press/US Presswire)

The 12-Grain Bread of Uniforms of the Week: The Packers’ 1929 Throwbacks

Just like 12-grain bread, these getups try too hard. They’re cloying. The big bulls-eye number on the jersey isn’t awful, but the modern apparel logo undermines it. The real problem, though, is the brown hat. Nice idea trying to replicate the look of a leather lid, but it just don’t look right.

[By the by, I think seven-grain bread is terrific. And since the Lions have the best first-half-of-the-20th-century throwbacks, I hereby give them ‘The Seven-Grain Bread of Uniforms’.]

Look on the bright side, Packers: at least your getups are better than those inexplicable powder blue-and-gold Eagles outfits … or, the Stale Bun of All Throwbacks, the Pittsburgh Steelers’ 75th-anniversary horrors.

NFL Uniform Matchup of the Week: Browns at Raiders

On a day that features the team from Green Bay not wearing any green in favor of a brown helmet, it seems appropriate to give this honor to a game with Cleveland.

Both the Raiders’ and Browns’ uniforms further proof that less is more. I like both these getups so much, I almost didn’t mention the fact that a team called “Browns” have an orange helmet. Almost.

Hockey Uniform of the Week: Ottawa Senators’ “heritage” uniform

Take note, Packers, Steelers and Eagles: an Ottawa fan designed this getups in honor of the Senators’ century-old history. If any NFL team needs me to do the same for them, consider me ready, willing and able.

Throwback of the Week: The Atlanta Falcons

Why the Falcons haven’t just made this their full-time getup is hard to figure, but until they come to their senses, let’s enjoy this Georgia peach of a uniform while we can.

Throwback We Must See ASA & P: The Dallas Cowboys’ royal blue jerseys

The Cowboys are wearing their navy blue jerseys for the first time since 2009 today in Foxborough. Whether or not this serves to curse to Pokes is open to debate, but one thing’s for sure: the royal blue, Super Bowl V getup beat the navy version every day of the week.

The 12-Grain Bread of College Uniforms of the Week: The Michigan State Spartans

Congratulations on four straight over the Wolverines. Please celebrate by having a bonfire using nothing but those grotesque outfits. On behalf of everyone with the gift of sight, I thank you.

* If you’re not aware, I aspire to one day become the official Uniform Monitor for all sports. In the meantime, I work gratis for two reasons: 1. I have a deep passion for great uniforms, and 2. I have an equally strong distaste for some of the visual atrocities imposed on our eyeballs by various teams across the sports landscape (I’m talking about you, Jacksonville Jaguars, Seattle Seahawks, Oregon Ducks, Oklahoma City Thunder, Anaheim Ducks, et al).