Mascot fight club

I’m not sure if Tommy Hearns and Marvelous Marvin Hagler are regular viewers of ‘Mad Men’, but assuming they are, I imagine they both had a good, condescending laugh at the lack of pugilistic proficiency displayed by British dandy Lane Pryce and the weasely Pete Campbell during their too-proper conference-room scrape in last Sunday night’s episode. As for me, I was inspired.

Maybe it’s time we all embrace the lesson Pryce v. Campbell taught us: workplace conflicts need to be settled not with our mouths, but with our fists. Hey, it works on ‘Jersey Shore’ and in the Stanley Cup Playoffs – so why shouldn’t the rest of us give it a shot?

Take the NFL mascots. Let’s say next week at the draft, the Atlanta Falcon makes a snarky crack about Jon Cusack’s ‘The Raven’ looks worse than Joe Flacco in a playoff game, the Baltimore Raven could eschew giving the proverbial bird in favor of settling that wiseacre Falcon’s hash with his bare talons.

Below, I’ve provided my initial rankings* in case a battle royale between NFL mascots breaks out.

* Minus the Jet and Charger. Too tough to evaluate. Is the Jet a private plane used to fly around corporate muckity-mucks… or is it Fighter Jet, armed with state-of-art missiles? Big difference. Same goes for the Charger. If it’s some sort of divine lightning bolt, that’s scary. If it’s a cellphone charger, not as scary.

Anyhoo, let’s not get bogged down – here’s the list:

1. Titan (as in ‘Greek god’… which means he’s probably immortal and knows magic)
2. Giant
3. Buccaneer
4. Cowboy
5. Native American (it feels wrong to use D.C.’s less politically correct nomenclature here)
6. Chief (if he’s the chief, he’s probably an older fella)
7. (tie) Viking; Raider
8. (Buffalo) Bill
9. Bear
10. Lion
11. Bengal
12. Panther
13. Patriot
14. 49er (he’s probably packin’ a six-shooter to protect his gold)
15. Texan (he’s probably packin’ a six-shooter… just because)
16. Ram
17. Bronco
18. Jaguar
19. Colt
20. Steeler
21. Packer (a steel worker has to be tougher than a cardboard-box packer, right?)
22. Eagle
23. Falcon
24. Seahawk
25. Dolphin
26. (Paul) Brown
27. Raven
28. Cardinal
29. Saint (make all the ironic bounty jokes you want, but I’m relying that this Saint will respond to his better angels)

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